Have You Been There? Looking From Outside The Clique!

I felt my face prickle with heat but this time it wasn’t my new age acquired “hot flash”. It was the humiliating realization of seeing them in this particular place and time and there was nothing I could do to change that.

We all know they exist: the Haves and the Have-Nots.

First there are the Haves. Those who are accepted in a specific environment—the peeps, the gang, the Sistahs. They’re quietly respected; the natural leaders who others seem to automatically fall in line behind. At work, church, school or social gatherings…

Often they’re the ones with the highest skill level or who have achieved the most acclaim or accomplishments within the tribe. They aren’t necessarily boastful or cocky; some are actually quite humble. But they definitely belong and everyone knows it. It’s a given.

Then there are the Have-Nots. They’re the ones who might hang out with the group, but somehow are not the same. They’re on a different level—a slightly lower level—and although the Haves may be friendly enough, and include them as part of the whole, there’s an invisible barrier that separates them, and they’re never really in the group, only with the group.

We’ve all been in situations where we’re the Haves, and other situations where we’re the Have-Nots. Naturally, we gravitate toward the former and avoid the latter if at all possible. Nobody wants to feel like a K-Mart purse in a rack full of Pradas.  You know exactly what I mean, right?

A good idea is to bolster sagging self-esteem, surely, but not something we can always do. Sometimes, the circumstances of life toss us into groups of people where we may be unknown, disrespected, unappreciated and dreadfully uncomfortable. But we must stay there for one reason or another.

Reasons? Yes, To be able to discover ourselves, know our value and be celebrated – NOT tolerated! I am encouraging someone today, who’s battling some kind of complex that God will throw in a life preserver their way. Some sort of tool that will help hold their head up and shoulders back when approaching a compromising  group.

So I’m going to return to that group next time with a new attitude. I will be smiling. I will be gracious. Because I have a secret. I know something they don’t. I know my own strength! It’s OK to be baffled now, but I know I will be celebrated soon,  And I may even get to be the kickball captain!

May God Help Us All!


7 thoughts on “Have You Been There? Looking From Outside The Clique!

  1. Anthonia! – you just know how to soothe that trembling heart, you just gave me courage, hope and a reason to move forward with you. Love you, Girl!


    • Aunt Yinka, I remember when I changed schools, and re located to UK, it was difficult for me at first adjusting and making friends, even at the new church we attended with our cousins, but eventually my ‘strength’ as you mentioned made me a trend setter. I started a book club, and couple of people embraced it and even felt much more comfortable meeting on weekends to discuss books, rather than having to fit into coats too big for them. We can be trend setters and more ambitious in our circumstances , rather than let the other sidebar consume our energy. Lovely, lovely write up. Love you always Aunty.

      VO DaSilva. Kent


      • My Dear Vanessa, we all definitely have that “wow” factor in us. Which some people with passion calls “unique”. Every clique has its root. I was prompted to write this, after meeting up with an old school mate of over 25 years!! and she had remembered my clique way back then, and actually mentioned “P girls” – as in popular girls clique – that was mind blowing and I’d just imagined seeing myself in the cast of Glee..lool.

        Anyway – my message as you indicated was for us all to IDENTIFY with our inner strength and be able to make use of it – as opposed to us running after other people’s shadow. Super proud of you and what you’re doing. Shake KENT up with your skills!

        Have fun with the book club and keep setting the trend.
        ‘Love you for real!


    • Reggie! You will be fine, trust me, just a little more push and you’re in the lead – I believe in you. Thanks for “moving forward with me” – ‘love you for real!


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