(Open letter of encouragement to my single and searching friends)
Erika absent-mindedly toyed and twirled with the tip of her champagne glass. Loosing count already of the numbers of weddings she’s had to dance in as the maid of honor! Or wake the bride up at 7am for facial or call up the video crew to come up for recording as the lucky bride, her childhood friend excitedly slip on her silver Manolo Blahnik pumps. Oh no! I can’t be jealous! She muttered under her breath as beads of perspiration and anxiety begins to swell up on her forehead.
Uncountable evil thoughts and imaginary demons of her past began to creep up the back of her neck, “Why not me? She’s quickly taken back by the deep Barry White-like voice of the bride’s younger brother; as he bumps into her, asking her for a dance.
‘Good-gracious-Lawd! ‘Why is he so cute but painfully too young for me? He’s 6 years younger! Maybe I shouldn’t care about the age thing? Or is that not robbing the cradle! What will people say? Geez! Do I sound desperate! Yeah, maybe I should, am in my late 30s and un-married! And drooling over a kindergartener! On and on, these thoughts kept strolling in and out of her head, until it was her turn to give the toast, she walked up to the center of the room, clutching her champagne glass like her life depended on it, tears falling freely drenching her perfectly made-up face, she opened her mouth, stammered and then it all happened…
Today…‘Can-we-talk-about-men? Maybe not about how adorable Spain’s Rafael Nadal looked at the last US Open, or about the outrageously offensive comment from Donald Trump’s anti-immigrant, anti-Latino, anti-woman lead. Or even that personal crush “yours truly” has on Bruno Mars! (Smiles).
Let’s ignore the tabloids today and do real talk! and really If we are all being honest with ourselves, and I assure you, today I’m all about straight talk – which means that I have to confess that our mindset is one of the biggest obstacles to living as an uncluttered woman when it comes to dealing with the issues of men.
Even as I am still married 18 years and counting to the same guy I found with two left feet on the dance floor at Club Towers about 22 years ago! I must admit that every aspect of our relationship only gets better with age, tolerance and understanding (even sex). I know that I should depend solely on God for direction and strength, and I am thriving! Most of us would admit that this is the case. Whether we are married or single! We are all in the same boat, only difference is our sense of resistance.
Is it not hard enough that we have to sift through all that is thrown at us each day? We begin a flourishing relationship, we nurture it with all we have and pray it flourishes well enough for a blossoming ever after effect, but then disarray happens and it challenges all of us. I’m in the foxhole with you and readily admit that navigating this crazy world of handling relationship is complicated.
There are so many things that compete for our attention and clutter our decision-making: our faith, emotions, materialism, negative thinking, busy schedules, doubts, laziness, self-reliance, self-esteem, family baggage, our past pains and failures, expectations, technology, work, our need to control things, our need to be accepted, finances, debt, stress, addictions, discontentment and then… relationships. Argh! And I’m just getting started! This list could go on forever. Anyone feeling me?
Does fear of the unknown keep us from taking a big leap of fate in choosing a partner? ‘are you still single and confused about your choice based on what the world projects HIM to be? Torn between giving a chance to someone you ‘kind of’ like but doesn’t have that ‘it’ factor you have always dreamt of!- If only! The lips were fuller! The skin was darker! The height was intact! If only he has 6 packs like Nadal! If only he could sing and be so romantic like Adam Levine! And the “if only” list goes on and on because we have so programmed our brain to only embrace that which is only portrayed in our fairy tale-mindset. Not until our biological clock begins to tick faster, attracts family concerns and un-solicited friendly advice. When will it be? With who? Phew!
Here’s the deal. We all have an idea of what we want in someone, especially when dating that we imagine will become a life time commitment, we still need to be careful what we wish for! A lot of courtship now are more interested in acquiring the “Trophy image”. Isn’t that an exposure of the self-esteem issue? Picking and dictating and getting fanned in our ego? Maybe it’s a blessing you are taking your time rather than rushing into marriage because of desperate measures? To please who? Friends? The society? Family? Or break an ancestral curse of bondage? Shouldn’t the decision of a life time commitment between a couple be consecrated unto God only? And no other external factors?
Is there really a manual or instruction kept somewhere for finding the perfect guy? Is Mr. Right sold on store shelves on demand at a high cost, with no bargaining options? What’s going on ladies? What’s with the fuss? You abandoned the one that shows affection all because he doesn’t really fit into your to-get manual? You chase after the one that thinks about you only in mode-nudity? Would you rather rush in and marry the one you first fall in love with? Whose heart probably is still hooked onto a bunch of broken-hearted ladies, who’d probably cursed out his destiny for abandoning them like a bad habit?
Maybe all we really need to do is sincerely and genuinely love ourselves first! Our inner joy radiates and attracts people to us, even if we are dressed in our best outfit! More so, there is a sense of calmness and peace when we are at our best (genuine and sincere) as opposed to be being two-faced and pretentious all because we are seeking a partner. Won’t that veil eventually come off after a while? Especially when finally you become one?
I am writing this to encourage and uplift someone who’s been on that “waiting list”. Someone who’s loved someone so deep it hurts that you are no more together or you were betrayed and abandoned. I am writing this to encourage someone who’s torn between deciding what to do next as that biological clock ticks away, I am encouraging someone single and searching to live life lovely…again! Do you! Love you! Discover you! Create fun for yourself! Join a local Zumba class and sweat out your girlish giggles at those sensual dance moves, travel more, attend seminars that enlightens, sign up for exotic cooking classes, volunteer at homeless shelters or join a book club. Get it together! Rather than sit on your couch, text your fans or post your latest heartbreak story on Facebook. Love yourself first.
Allow prince charming to discover you at your best leisure self-mode! It is okay to be agitated at the biological clock, it’s just doing its duty. You just need to prove it wrong that love comes better in your own time, God’s time! Sometimes when a dream is dead, it just needs to be prompted. Discover your true joy, bury yourself in it, and let the right guy come dig you out! Here’s how you can start, out of faith, write an imaginary letter to your “future husband” and paste on your refrigerator – trust me. It’s a positive reinforcement!
“Dear Future Husband, You are still in my prayers. When you are ready, according to God’s will, kindly press the bell once. I am not impatient or mad at you, for taking so long! I’m not afraid of commitment. I am also taking my time, learning new things and discovering myself. My inner beauty radiates daily with new strength from God. Meekly Yours, Your Future Wife”.
Yours in HOPE as I share Meghan Trainor’s Dear Future Husband.
27 thoughts on “Turning the waiting Game into a favored Date!”
Great write up, aunty. Very encouraging and honest. Thanks for keeping it real 🙂
Thanks Oyinkan. ‘Much love!
I reserve my comment. But y ladies only aaah
Ahhh! why reserve comments? Dr. Love? lol. Its not for ladies only now. LOL. #kbabalovedoctor of WAZOBIA FM LAGOS!
Wonderful write 📝 up Yinka
I reserve my comment
Sis Yinka, I have copied that letter for my future husband, it’s all over my car and kitchen. Love you sis for the encouraging words
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I was betrayed by the guy I’ve dated since college days, he ran away and married a certain babe in the US.
Okay, am still single, with a very fat wallet, good jobs and a good name to hold on. I haven’t gotten over the fact that he left me, even after exchanging engagement rings, am just furious that he’s thinking of coming back to me, for what exactly, I don’t know.
Anthonia, thanks for talking about this, I can’t even discuss this with any of my friends because we don’t tell each other truths about our affection, of course, everyone wants to be the one with the perfect relationship.
As the society frowns at my beautiful and talented 39 years of ‘spinsterhood’ I am literally having a ball and enjoying myself.
Like you said, I have learned to love and appreciate myself more..
I d rather wait to be in a fulfilling marriage than have a show off wedding and be miserable behind closed doors.
Aaah, this article speaks to me abundantly.
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Way to go Becky! It pays to be ready and happy in a marriage than rushing into it.
Thanks for sharing, am bringing me back as I wait patiently for my future hubby. 🙂
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Am on your side Tee.
Do you do group therapy counseling? Like christian support group or counseling service for women? I would like to visit for consulting. I am very interested in your teaching.
I am currently co-hosting a session in NJ on 11/7, Check your inbox for more information.
Hmmm. The waiting game is tough indeed. Being single with baggages from past relationships is even more frustrating.
I am Erika in your article, Yinka.
I am also one of those who’s still struggling with keeping it together.
I have constantly played Natalie Grant’s “perfect people’ song over and over as an escape mechanism to heal my thoughts.
I’m still in love with my ex. Even though he’s married for almost 8 years, I tend to still compare him to every guy that comes my way. .
This is something I have been praying about. This is real problem, even though I am a believer, it’s one of the challenges i face and unable to discuss with anyone.
I am so happy you talked about this topic.
Thanks for shedding light on some of the problems we singles face that the world doesn’t recognize.
God bless. .
Aramide TALK NET UK
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Your thoughts and words speaks volume.
Sometimes, I know its hard to control how we feel or whom we choose to love – but, to move forward in life, way above all emotional or sentimental ties, we might have to loosen that tie or grasp on to the other hand that’s new and rewarding.
I feel you, and believe it is a common thing not discussed amongst young people, especially between each other. But I assure you, you will find love again…maybe sooner than you expected.
By God’s grace.
Waoh, Yinka this is a very interesting topic. I couldn’t help but reply.
So, when eventually we are ready to settle down, we are not always 100% married to our 1 st or true love, I know this for sure, even though a lot of people deny it or try to move on with the new situation, but for how long?
That’s why a lot of single girls this day still live in their past, cos they are yet to affirm their intentions, and end up marrying the wrong man.
As for waiting for Mr right, there’s no need to, cos there isn’t that perfect or bad guy out there, trusting God for one that at least has the fear of God, and eventually love will follow through. I strongly recommend.
Nice post. Keep it up.
Hello Nneka, Most singles will always relate back to a particular issue that signals dating or courtship as a tragedy, some might be comfortable with picking up from where it got cracked and ready to move forward with the next relationship while some will just be consumed in their past failures and eventually give up on love.
But, because everyone is different, especially when it comes to handling issues of the heart, we cant blame anyone for making mistakes.
Is there really a Mr. right? I doubt it. Its just a connotation for Mr. Man-that is available-with-a- preference. Is there a Ms. perfect? absolutely not! You said it all, its just wise to pray to God to at least have a suitor with a fear of God in him/her..so that when the craziness begin to surface…there’s at least a thought of reconciliation and a biting conscience, if there’s still one.
Aah! Girl you just made my day!
Am setting out to discover myself more
Attend events where I can meet new and interesting people, thanks.
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Lool! Go Lisa! Looking forward to 11/7!!
Waoh this is captivating,after reading this i just say too myself am no longer desperate Mr right is some were out there and gonna knock soon
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Sure thing Nivon, the chosen one will dig you out, when the time comes.
‘Love you sis!
Quite a touchy subject and it makes me wonder: what if there’s no Mr. Right. What if she’s never found. Can she be fulfilled without a man? The pressure from society sucks. They make a lady feel incomplete and deprived for not being married to a man and on the flip side the same society fights for women empowerment and equality . It’s just so sad. I’m sorry I was just thinking aloud. Your points were well said; your passion well felt. Thanks and fire away…
Honestly, there is no Mr. Right! believe me, its just an idiomatic expression we all got used to, because we have invented expectations of what we want in a man by labelling him Mr. Right. – If out of all the 10 things a girl desire in her man is acceptable, believe me 2 or 3 will not be functional, because nobody is perfect! Or isn’t it the imperfection of others that makes us look good?
And if eventually, the right girl too is not found – its vice versa, we have so programmed our mindset to look out for all the fantasy-qualities we deem in a person – But then, somethings will still be missing to complete that “right” image we have crafted in our brains.
Think about it, Mr. Right has all these qualities every girl dreams off ….talented but not focused? abusive but loves the Lord? is romantic but cant boil water? cant function mentally without being prompted – or Ms. Right also has the beauty of a perfect gallery painting but falls short in other areas of life. That’s why we see a lot of “soulmates” couples or lovers claim they are perfect for each other, or rather think so – not until years of tolerance and adaptability kicks in.
The pressure from society is standard and its not going away any time soon. Empowerment and equality are means to subdue the ultra masculine world we live in – discernment of their choice of partner or status of relationship is another deceptive struggle that crutches desire of settling down or crawling the busy streets for power or position.
*Good job on your new show! Way to go! Beautiful Initiatives!
Looking forward to more.
Ok, it’s official, you’re now my mentor!!
I love this article!
Thank you for sharing it.
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You rock! Looking forward to 11/7!
Yinka, this is mind blowing beautiful! Thanks for sharing.
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Hope it resonates.