sexuality

Approaching the Elephant in our room.

/ Yinka (Anthonia) Gansallo-Lawrence / 19 Comments

DSC_0919Here I am trying to breastfeed my 2 month-old-baby, MY GOODNESS!! She’s making such a fuss! It seems like she’s having difficulty latching on or even not sure how to work my nipples! I smiled and said to myself, “Oh, it’s my third baby, so I should be a pro at this” (inward consolation thing). Phew!

I’m admiring this beautiful full curly black-haired baby, her tiny cheek so soft and round like one drenched with precious memories of the sweetness of a baker’s delight; A sugar-covered-jelly donut! Her little black eyes twitched as the bright morning reflection of sunray brushes over her face.

Ah! My post-cancer baby! So squishy and velvety, radiating the most enchanting features of love and beauty.

But there was a problem.

I wasn’t getting enough direct eye contact from her.

Is it that those around me didn’t recognize it or had decided to ignore it? Am I the only one seeing the mighty footprints? Or was I getting paranoid for no darn reason! After all, that’s what I do 5 days a week for other families.

My heart skipped a beat! And when it finally found its way back to my body, it broke into a million pieces when she wouldn’t trace my finger across her face! I quickly went shopping in my brain and bargained for all the best nursery rhymes I could find. Fetched all the Early Intervention child developmental milestones books I could read! As a therapist for child-development myself, it was harder for me to accept the intruding delay that could be, but so much easier for me to bring in all the best child developmental services in Delaware county into my room.ele 1

Even though it was my own child needing early childhood intervention, my commitment was stronger than that of Lady Brienne of Tarth in Game of Thrones. #GOT

So, Elephant in the room is an English metaphorical idiom for an obvious truth of chaos that is going unaddressed. The idiomatic expression also applies to an obvious problem or risk that no one wants to talk about, discuss or address.ele 3

In the real world where you and I live, it is regarded as our state of mind! It is that nicely swept problem that forcefully resides with us; based on dis-approval, denial and dis-illusion.

But, in the make-believe world we feign, it is an abode for that hush-hush marital insecurity issue, it is that heavy feeling of pain and anguish when one is being used and betrayed, it is that status-quo inadequacy, it is that child still wondering if the term ‘bastard’ is a middle name! It is that sexuality problem never discussed and still un-resolved/that beautiful young lady wondering if true love really still exists after a horrid heart break!

It is that delayed passage of breakthrough or diabolical hunger and quest to make it big and fast in life! It is that infertility no-go area discussion! The nights of free-flowing tears on the loss of a baby or pregnancy, those complicated medical results, un-resolved family drama, carried on from generation to generation! All those frightening controversial issues which is so obvious to everyone who knows about the situation, but which is deliberately ignored because to do otherwise would cause great embarrassment, or trigger arguments or is simply a taboo. What’s the fear? That we could be judged? that the issue ought to be discussed openly, or it can simply be an acknowledgment that the issue is there and not going to go away by itself!

Aren’t some of the things we go through today similar to an Elephant in a room that’s impossible to overlook? like seriously!! ‘Hello…’Am still here!ele 5

Issues that involve social taboo, discussion of race, religion, gender equality or even suicide. Should the people who might have spoken up decide that it is probably best avoided?

I don’t think so. How else would the elephant make an exit? Or am I wrong?

Could it be because our infirmity has now become our identity or because our crisis now defines who we are and forms the familiar guidelines of our life?

With the entrance of an elephant in their room, some people use their weaknesses to get the attention they crave or to keep from assuming any responsibility in their own lives, but not with a huge animal like an elephant starring you in the face day in day out!

What about our own situation that’s so glaring, yet we cover it up with nicely packaged-fragrance, expensive line of make-up with ambiguous price tags to suck in the scars or marks? Or that sensual erotic 6-pack image that attracts only what the eyes can see as the soul bleeds and begs to run far away from its misery!

Isn’t that a cover up for obvious problem or difficult situation that people do not want to talk about?ele 4

Our helplessness can be our most powerful offering – Only if we are willing to be honest and transparent. Admitting the obvious. Sometimes it is a lot easier to just stay in the room and wait than to struggle toward the light without acceptance.

Can you see yourself in this room, with an invisible elephant? Have you been trapped or paralyzed by the pain of loss or rejection or the weight of an intruder in your personal space? Are you taking care of a child with special needs and feeling overwhelmed? Have friends betrayed you and left you lying by a pool of crushed hopes and dreams?

God sees your helplessness. He knows your heart and hears your desperate cry. Stand up today to that intruder in your room, and let God direct your path.

Yours in HOPE as I share ‘Am I Wrong’ by Nico & Vinz.

Yinka.

 

 

 

As we count down the days to the TOTAL WOMAN CONFERENCE: Here are snippets of topics to expect!

/ Yinka (Anthonia) Gansallo-Lawrence / Leave a comment

#TWC 1 – Let’s Get It On – Bedroom Talks!

 Hello Ladies!

Aha! It is exactly 12 days to the much anticipated women only retreat! “FRAGRANCE 216 – TOTAL WOMAN CONFERENCE”spring 3

Hooray!! Can you feel my excitement?? I’m catching the whiff of spring with its alluring effusion of an assortment of fragrances… (Hyacinths, Daffodils and Tulips – my favorite!) spring 1

I am even more awakened by the thoughts of the blessings and enlightenment that am expecting from the speakers… ’What about you?

Oh! Do you know there’s going to be real life sex talk? (Giggles) and “Girl Power talk by Renowned, motivational speaker Terri Matthews on “Common on Sister, Let’s Be Real!

Oh yeah! And other topics like…”Let’s talk about our sexual lives” “Why we are not getting it on? The frigidity, fear, pain, tiredness, loss of interest, Erectile Dysfunction, Premature Ejaculation. Yes! I said it all.Because this is for real!shutterstock_34411321

‘Like SERIOUSLY? “Is this a Christian retreat? Oh yes. It is. And it’s time for us to deal with real issues that affect our fulfilment or that make us vulnerable. Why do we shy away from discussing our intimate desires and pretend there’s no problem with our sex life? It affects a healthy relationship and turns intimacy into a war room of deprivation or lost ego when sexual needs are not met. It’s time to learn more about the solution.

Sign up now at:  www.totalwomanconference.com  to be plugged into the movement that will Heal, Enlighten, Liberate and Position you for a better tomorrow!

Yours in HOPE,

Yinka.

***WATCH OUT for #TWC 2 “What’s in this movement for me, I’m just a YOUNG ADULT! (Love’s Game, ‘Want to Play?)

 

When “Sexual Addiction” becomes a choice in our life: Should we continue to Love it or List it?

/ Yinka (Anthonia) Gansallo-Lawrence / 20 Comments

couple addt 1

What is that personal sexual uncontrollable craving you are dealing with? Yearning? Urges? Weakness? Itch? Or Impulse? Are we aware of the burden of the price label that comes with it? Especially amongst us, the pew lovers (Christians) who are still struggling with acceptance, rejection and reaching out for help! Aha, Do I have someone’s attention? Any palpitating heartbeat, racing and galloping like an un-tamed horse running wild?…’Let’s talk about it.

Angela and Bill have been married for 5 years. They truly love each other. And they deeply love God. One day, a visit to the fertility clinic to evaluate Bill’s sperm count due to the couple’s inability to have children has done more than ignite their passion. Bill, on several occasion has to deal with sitting in a room plastered with different pictures of naked women posing and sexually touching each other, looking excited and ready to devour him! This is the stage-up enticement room – inside the clinic. Not in the comfort of his house or at the gentlemen’s club he’s often heard his colleagues discussed and has vouched never to visit. He’s supposed to look through the porn magazine thrown carelessly on the chair, or at the picture of an overrated gigantic re-constructed set of breasts, get excited and be aroused, masturbate and then jerk off into a tiny specimen cup the nurse gave him. Even the cup has his name boldly written on it, only thing missing: picture of his wife and a “jerk off” guideline. Intellectually, he’d figured it out somehow.

5 years after, the family is complete with a lovely set of twins. But the underlying factor of provoked sexuality is now a huge challenge in their lives. Bill is now a proud father, and holds a degree in addiction to pornography/masturbation! On the other side, Angela is a loving mother who’s hooked on assorted sex toys that comes in different colours and shapes. And of course, they both still love the Lord, well literally and also dealing with their individual addiction alone. Confused and confined. Aware of their pain towards each other, and not able to discuss it either. Until now…

So, is masturbation inherently sinful? But what about those who are married? Or single? Is it okay to self-stimulate to orgasm? Since our bodies, and thus our sexuality, no longer belongs to us alone, but also to our spouse (1 Corinthians 7:3-5), masturbation by those who are married is not as simple a question as it is for singles. In general it is our spouse’s “duty” to deal with all of our sexual needs and desires. This does not mean that masturbation is sinful for a married man or woman, but it does somewhat limit its proper use.

Then if masturbation is not inherently sinful, there must be situations in marriage where it is allowed and situations when certain conditions approves it, even if we are not in a relationship. In some situations it is the only wise choice for some individuals. Right? Then what about pornography!!!…that’s a different topic for another day! (disgruntled sign!)

Masturbation reduces our desire for our spouse, or the ability to be sexual when we want to be, we also need to understand that things change: changes in work stress, busyness, relationship can result in an increase in a person’s sex drive. Also, women’s sex drives often increases in their thirties and/or forties. Sexual refusal, dissimilar sex drives. Illness and separation. What was right or necessary at one point in a marriage may no longer be either right or necessary unless there is open communication about sexual wants and needs, and about any masturbation going on, maybe you are even masturbating when your spouse would like to have more sex with you!

Do people engage in masturbation for emotional reasons and self-esteem issues than for physical needs? Are we dependent on it? Enslaved? Fixated or Hooked on? Whatever way we want to address this, still all boils down to the same issue of addiction. It is our habit of ability that’s considered injurious, mind-blowing and character disposition. It is a problem covered with limited pleasure!

Whatever started this? How did we get here? Why do we want to stop? Why do we keep going back to it? Psychologically, what’s the impact of it to our personal life? Are we hurting someone through our selfish desire or damaging our own conscience? Is it a dark place? Is it okay to be subjected to our own pleasure? Do we need to stop? Are we ready to stop and get over it? Who to do? …… To be continued!

Yours in HOPE, as I share one of my favorite songs below,

Yinka.

‘When Ties-Bind, How do we keep up with our Sensuality and Sexuality?

/ Yinka (Anthonia) Gansallo-Lawrence / 26 Comments

weddedLife is beautiful! You are still married, or at least someone has agreed to forsake all others and embarked on an un-foreseen journey to live with you for the rest of their lives, or didn’t that long ceremonial vow say that? Well, You are wearing the wedding band with pride and every time you remember how the proposal went, you smile…there’s a sudden sense of warmth, that naughty smirk comes alive on your face.

Ah! Life is beautiful. (you whisper to yourself) the days of courtship, the long captivating love letters that tells tales of hidden desire, the long walks together, ignoring the missed appointment, bus or train or the change in weather. The endless phone calls and stored-up voice messages played over and over again, your morning juice has never tasted better, until you hear that voice again, flashes of smiles, lingering favorite tunes played together, fond memories of holding hands while ignoring jealous onlookers, sharing one caramel swirl vanilla ice cone and making those big dreams about the future. Ah! Life is beautiful. But suddenly. It’s fast-forwarded… BOOM!! Reality bites and sinks in. Ouch!

Welcome back to the married you! How long has it been? 5, 10, 15, 20 years or more…Is life still beautiful like it used to be? How are you dealing with your sensuality in marriage? How do you embrace your sexuality in marriage? Are you even bold enough to discuss it with your spouse? Believe it or not, it is one of the greatest factor that runs a successful marriage.

A lot of people usually confuse Sexuality with Sensuality. Let’s keep this real! Sexuality is about Sex, and Sensuality is about the Senses. Stimulating the senses may lead to sex at times, but it also leads to a closer relationship with your spouse. Warm touches, even when sex is not the goal, helps your spouse feel loved, wanted and close to you.

For most of us with a diverse culture or upbringing, we are not usually connected with the right approach that we need to help us discover and navigate our sensuality in marriage. For some, discussing it is a taboo or no-go area. But it has to be addressed, for the safety of the marriage.

So, unlike the western culture that teaches young couples in marriage counselling about how to discover and excite each other through vagina monologue and body dissection, the closest some of us ever got to that topic was either during biology class in school or exposure to the terror of internet pornography that’s killing the joy of marriages today. Not realizing that later on in our married life, we could help our spouse discover us (sexually) and contribute it to a successful and happy relationship. Sex is one of the factors but not the most important factor that should be considered. It is important to know the act it contributes and that it has the ability to affect our marriage in a negative or a positive way.

Personally, I think expression of love is a very important part of sex in marriage. It has to be spontaneous, consistent and creative! ‘Not routine. It is sometimes underrated, overlooked or forgotten. Actually telling your spouse WHAT you want, HOW you want to be loved and WHERE you want to be touched is a delicate continuation act of “life is beautiful” and one that should be taken more seriously than it has been and is today.

Every marriage should be based on love. Every act of love should be creative. And this same creative love is what makes the act of sex much more meaningful and emotional for the two people involved. WHAT TO DO? The secret to having a complete sense of sexuality in your marriage is…To Be Continued!

May God help us all!

Yinka

God made men and women sexual beings. He made our nervous systems capable of receiving pleasure from the sex act. Sex in marriage is good and holy and ordained of God.