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Living in a Tabloid-Infested World (Marriages and Relationships)

new 5Until you have experienced monsters, mayhem and mind-blowing-murdering-brawl in your marriage, every talk about “happily-ever-after” is just a joke!

But things could get better or worse, Right?

Even if you are celebrating recovery from overcoming hurts, hang-ups and habits from a sour relationship’ every life coach or love expert might as well go-jump-into-the-lagoon-with their “pocket-sized-advice” #Talk-To-The-Hands! (eyes rolling in utter disgust!)

Or when you hear of another marital discord or relationship break up in the news or through your favorite social media news feed, do you panic in forbidden excitement of what could have happened?

Do you crave for more juicy and gory details of how it finally collapsed? ‘Especially when there’ve been so much signs and tales of the doom day in the making?

love me 1Do you get jaw-dropped-drooling when you see those fantastically orchestrated display of fake and formed affection between lovers on social media and get frustrated at their outward display of fronting or intimidated that your own lover isn’t calling you boo or bae or one of those petty silly names and not a show-off superlative lover or romantic like theirs? #InstagramShowOff   #FacebookFakePerception

Aww!! Don’t get mad. Be glad you’re not part of that staged game!

Could someone please remind me that courtship is the fantasy land we lavish on soulfully, blindly and recklessly while marriage is the real thing-lifetime do or die institution? Everyone is admitted based on their initial feelings, initial agenda or initial determination, not fully aware of the consequences and sacrifices to be made. You either pass, fail, repeat or retreat! The choice is yours! Let’s keep it real, marriage is a tough institution! Period!

Seems like we forget in a hurry that every real marriage or relationship has its own appointed season of doomed-roller-coaster turbulence and sometimes requires plenty of space and measurable pace to heal and grow? Even the best marriage counselor text-book coping strategy just won’t cut it? ‘Am talking about the “Oh, no you didn’t”, “That’s It, I can’t take this anymore! Am out of it” moments.  Phew!

love 2mEvery married-couple I know play their amateur scripted part at one point or the other during their life time together. No denial or finger-pointing here. Most of the time either to prove a point to the world…like “Trust me, I got this covered! “Hey, look at us, we are still happily in love or just managing whatever is left! Any witness? Lol!

Okay…Nice… I think we all like that we can wear a mask every now and then to fool the world! But for how long can we pretend and hide behind the facade? Living in oblivion, but behind closed doors facing the reality? Pretending that everything in our marriage is purrfect!! When, it isn’t? Allowing social media to help boost our hidden insecurities and keeping up appearances? Who are we trying to fool? #shoo!

You see; a typical sophisticated glamorous churchgoer looks on with disdain as the winsome “I-love-Jesus” bracelet worshipper next to her raises her hands and sings with reckless abandonment. But secretly, in her heart of hearts, I wonder if she longs for that same marital/relationship freedom? What if she muses before commonsense pushes the wonderings aside? Especially when she’s been played on emotionally or physically? And what’s the church doing about her state of mind? Knowingly and unknowingly?

One of the lessons I learned from my parents, who by the way are still married andlove me 2 together 53 years and counting after several decades of hilarious family drama was T-O-L-E-R-A-N-C-E!

I’ve had to ask my mother..

How do you do it, this woman? ‘Why are you still married, eh? Aha, me I can’t take such nonsense oh! (I would boast in my immature voice of a young adventurer with a deep sigh of disgust!)

“Ah, it gets better” (my mom would respond with a smile, one that reveals a survivor’s un-told story like one of Terry McMillian’s characters).

What Exactly? I would ask with a cynical look. The pattern of sex? Adaptation or Tolerance? Fatal attraction or physical distraction? Which one precisely? Or its okay to be bombarded by fly-by knights? Dis-tasteful attackers?

new 2Of all the hardest lessons I learned in my own marriage was struggling with accepting the fact that…’I can’t fully change my husband! whatever the illusions I’ve created of “the perfect man” was just a fantasy. #AintNoKnightInShinningArmour

I had to learn that only God can touch his heart and change him, in His time, for His purpose, only. No matter how much we get to wish for a little bit of this or a little bit of that in that partner…we still have what we have, the issue at hand is..’. Learning to let it work out for our good while we strive to be all we can for ourselves…living life with a purpose to fulfil destiny by being valuable to self, as the transformation emerges. And leaving the rest to God.  #DiscoverPassionInSelfWorth

No feminist value here, just common sense survival kit from my 23 years of knowing Kevin, my husband. We’d learned to invest in ourselves-together, pursuing our passion together and not consumed by all the faults and flaws from our past, learning to detach from the triggers of the demons along the way…

new 3So, here I am this month celebrating my 19th-year wedding anniversary and content with my life. Oh-My-Word!! It hasn’t been a smooth sailing 19 years of our married-lives together, but an eye-opening, challenging and educative 23 years of unconditional friendship! And we are still learning and growing and dealing with the hurdles together which makes us appreciate our differences.

Years of waiting for conception and several miscarriages and frequent hospital admission and cries of babies and diagnosis and surgery and build up tension and family impact and losses and gains! has made me more appreciative of all the things our past has taught us! Good or bad…at the end of the drama that comes, we are still together!

Today, if you are reading this and either Married, Single, Divorced, Separated or just confused about being alone or with someone, especially with how cruel and intimidating social media has portrayed perfect-picture-marriages that wake up in glamour and go to bed in dirt and depression, flashing make-belief images of their lives together, only for the tabloid to pick up their bitter crumbs….The world is watching!

Let’s ask ourselves, is there a smile on our face that stirs others to want to join in and experience those moments of sudden glory or grief? Is there a scowl on our brows that make others turn away because the “mandated religious life” of keeping up appearance is too hard? Too boring? Too restricted? Do our hidden scars of inadequacy, insecurity and overbearing feelings in our marriages still keep us rooted behind that door? Are you a “prized trophy” in your relationship or is your marriage a staged one?new 1

Today, it’s not about counting wrong doings, hurts, dwelling on missed opportunities of what could have, should have or would have been or even how many times extra marital-cum-extra-curriculum-activities have played their parts in our lives, and how we’ve allowed it.

For me, it’s more of the lessons I am able to take away from it, understanding why and how ‘Big Hurts Have Opened the Door to freedom…

Doors which a lot of married people today are so afraid of going through, so afraid of approaching it. Either to save face, fulfil family/personal obligation, they hang inside, suffer inside, survive inside, pretend inside, and develop multiple personalities, all because of deprivation of self-worth behind that door.

But for how long?

I am hoping someone reading this will dig deep into their main purpose of the union and discover each other, for each other without limits!  I am still here because I believe I am God’s work in progress. What about you? #Goals   #DealWithIt

Issues of Undeveloped Emotions, Unresolved Conflict and Unmet Needs will need to be dealt with and forgotten before bruised hearts and damaged egos become cold hearts, and after a while with no help, turns into hardened hearts that wander in lonesome misery and commitment trap, the new title for the 20th century marriage and a sex crazed culture we live in. Discover what lights up your Fire, either in your marriage or relationship or discover your self worth and light it up! #JustBelieve  #NotImpossible!

PS: I’m wishing a Happy 5th Wedding Anniversary today, to the most amazing and genuine couple ever! (You know who you are, Love you much Y & M!). 

Yours in HOPE as I share Pink’s “Just Like Fire”.

Yinka.

 

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Sending off 2014 (the favorable, the awful and the mishap) and how I discovered my own strength!

year agoHave you ever been in a position where you feel like…Yes… ‘You finally got something done! All the goals you’d created at the end of 2013 have matured and still yielding fruits…nice!

Or are you at a crossroad of a certain goal you created around this time last year that is yet to show case itself?  You know you started 2014 determined and expectant, but along the way something un-expected happened and you get side-tracked or distracted. You’ve practically dragged yourself through the days, the weeks and the months hoping and still expectant. You are not alone! 40% of goal writers are also in this dilemma, but because we are still alive today – ‘there is still time to catch up!

If you are reading this…you are definitely a part of the reason why I am still keeping the faith and encouraged to keep writing and sharing real life’s event through everyday-people’s views, challenges, joy, concerns and testimonies.

Eventually, I’ve learnt that there is a purpose for everyone we meet. Some will test us, some will use us, and some will teach us. But most importantly… some will bring out the best in us. And trust me, it has been all of that for me looking back… but I am buoyantly taking the lessons learnt from it and striding into 2015 with a cheerful mindset, like…Ok! I discovered me!

So, this is a special salutation to all my readers:

“When I thought hope was what you could buy with self-pity, when all I could think of was creating an outlet for passionate expression, even when life’s issues frustrates and dictates above the edge, I found my strength in you, I discovered what lights up my fire and you helped me chase after the match. Little did I know that the same passion was also helping in building me up. Little did I know that our hearts of human tenderness often begins to beat only when we allow and discover a particular pursuit that absorbs us, frees us, challenges us or gives us a sense of meaning, joy or passion. Ah!  I am most grateful and say a big heartfelt Thank you!

For encouraging me by building this blog and also believing in me that there’s more and what’s next? and sincerely always pushing me to just keep writing even when I tell myself I’m done and tired. For constantly tolerating my ‘craze-now/cool-later attitude’ Thank you! (even though I seldom say it) I am grateful and I acknowledge your gifting! smiles… (You know who you are!) God bless!

For everyone who’d find another “New Post from Moving Forward with Yinka” in their mailbox, or a certain commercial-like name (anthonialawrence.com) and would re-consider opening it to read – I say Thank you (I know, sometimes it can be annoying right?) For everyone who’s approached or applauded me with “Hey, that was a beautiful article you posted! “I am inspired” or “You touched me” or “Thanks, that message was for me” “Good one, Yinka” “I love your blog” – I say thank you! (I am more inspired when I know my message is digested).

For my support group at Therapy Sol and Shelter who always welcomed me into their community whenever I needed to spend time with them – a big thank you! For all the readers who were courageous enough to send in their comments or posts or articles – I say thank you (you made me shine more with your bravery!) For all the people I wrote about (living or dead) – thanks for giving me a story to relate to!

For the grace and wisdom to answer some challenging comments, I say thank you for bringing it on! For reconnecting with my college alumni group AIESEC after 20 years and living-forward with them, thanks guys – you still rock!

For the love of poetry/dancing and dragging my family to watch Shakespeare in the park with me in New York City! or for Zumba class… ‘Priceless memories – I say thank you! ‘love you all for life!

For my Greater than Cancer team & My Day out with the Ladies group – You are the best and un-forgettable!’ love you all for real!

For having the courage to discuss the issues of Sexuality, Love, Abuse, Survivorship, Pain and Relationship! I am most grateful to all my guest writers for sharing their platform of awareness and hope. Believe me, you’ve made a difference in someone’s life!

For all those we lost in 2014 – I pray perpetual rest be granted unto them. For new lives and new birth, I pray God’s guidance and protection.

It’s been a beautiful and rewarding 2014. I have gained very useful knowledge. I have been comforted with sincerity. I have rekindled the true meaning of friendship. I have learnt to embrace fondness without breaking a heart. I have learnt to pick my battles. I have also laid down the burdens of aged and disruptive relationship. I have opened my doors and welcomed new tenderness in other people’s shortcoming. I have inquired from God and have learnt to appreciate beauty through the little things I’d been taking for granted. I am a whole year wiser and drunk with life’s passion to succeed, and ready for greater things to come. I hope you’ve all been able to discover some “new strengths’ in 2014.

Thank you everyone…’because you believe in me and made it happen in 2014! ‘See you in 2015 with more of me!

Yours in hope as I share one of my favorite Whitney Houston’s song below.

Yinka.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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