getting help in marriage

My 20-Year-Wedding-Anniversary Reflection.

/ Yinka (Anthonia) Gansallo-Lawrence / 39 Comments

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As crawling gives way to toddling and then striding, so does every relationship that would stand the test of time! It is like a child moving more steadily through the physical world, un-perturbed by the unknown rough pathway ahead, but determined to thrive.

Our relationship with others should always crave for improvements and ability to reject being the ultimate mentalist! Or self-appointed mind-readers we think we are. Only if we make room for acceptance.

How often have we erringly misjudged the mental states of others, such as their background upbringing, sexual orientation, feelings, thoughts, intentions, baggages and deceptions because we feel there just isn’t enough vacancy in our hearts, anymore?

Should we allow our minds to navigate deeper into the cross-currents of the broader social world while we struggle with our differences? Is there really a perfect mate? And for people who have given up on searching or loving, should there exist a fundamental difficulty in trusting again? ‘Fear of series of strong headwinds, uncertain tacks, and treacherous eddies?

 

So, here I am today, August 14th 2017, exactly 20 years ago my ever so-loving-Father walked me down the hallway of The Marriage registry at City Hall Lagos, into the arms of the one true love I would ever encounter! The same bespectacled-guy I met 3.5 years earlier who couldn’t keep his eyes off my one-nation orange halter-neck romper and wouldn’t get off the wall of the newly opened Club Towers night club to dance, who’d pledged the same night jokingly ‘He would marry me someday’ on the dance floor at The Whyte’s party on Glover road and then, Oh-my-word! ‘eventually showed up at my home church, Holy Cross Cathedral by making himself comfortable in my family pew, singing Agnus Dei, like he took Latin classes in college, showing off in his brand new well ironed patterned shirt, brown suede penny loafers while driving the smallest blue car ever driven in Lagos! … #Daewoo Tico

#WE DO…then in 1997, and 20 years later…#WE STILL DO

20 3Phew! It wasn’t easy…trust me, but was worth the fight to keep on keeping on!

From the misconception of what the romantic novels we read say about marriages, to the soap operas and knowledge based books or audio we tune to! From the no-experience marriage counselors or confused life coaches sprawled all over, to the perception social media breeds about what marriage should be…that’s just 1% of the back-slap advice compared to what your destiny has to offer you…’there is no manual or directory to the quick fix we all want to know.

After decades of seeking internal peace…I’d realize Oh my goodness! I don’t know it all, He doesn’t know it all either, we are actually both still learning, and our ultimate wisdom should come from God. Alone. Period.

Isn’t it like someone giving you a relationship advice and it just doesn’t work? Their wisdom, your wisdom and my own wisdom are limited. It’s subjective and faulty. And while the implementation of earthly wisdom can and often does bring some benefit, it will not always lead us to the safety and ease we long for deep inside. Some marriages must surely pass through the burning funnel for a couple to become certified companions, while others would fall along the way if their hopes of survival is based on other people’s manual and perceptions.

20 6Let’s face it. Relationships can be cruel, Life can be scary and marriages that have refused to hit the rock after series of extended-third-party-family-or-friends-interrupters-involvement-busy-bodies melodramatic episodes have finally shut-the-front-door after them…’what’s next?

If you are reading this and wondering, How-in-the-world-did-THEY-do-it? I know right? I usually ask myself too (lol). But, God’s wisdom is perfect. It leads my heart, mind, and soul to safety and rest in a world that is filled with scary realities and uncertainties. You just have to name the challenges… We have both walked through it together…24 years and counting.

I am hoping someone reading this, at any point of their relationship would also tune in to God’s wisdom – when we hear it, yield to it, apply it and obey it – we will live in peace. Not the world’s peace – God’s peace. We will be at ease with all imperfections. Not with perfect lives, but with lives that are led and not controlled by fear and anxiousness of what tomorrow would bring in their marriages, relationships, courtship or friendship. We can and will experience peace in spite of the chaos in our relationships. Be encouraged!

Yours in HOPE as I share our wedding dance/favorite song “FOR YOU” by Kenny Lattimore.

Yinka.

 

Why every WOMAN needs a yearly Retreat Workshop! (In Marriage, Sexuality, Relationship, Family & Total Well Being) Part One.

/ Yinka (Anthonia) Gansallo-Lawrence / 13 Comments

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“Is he capable of loving me?”  It was a question I’d wondered many times, as I mulled over his countless reasons for being busy, his abusive tendencies, and this disease that makes him self-centered and manipulative. Maybe he’s loving me the best way he can, maybe I just need to wait for him to propose? But is it enough for me to keep waiting for him? And for how long? 

“He never hit me, never yelled, never called me hurtful names and yet the vacuum was there, hidden beneath my excuses and justifications for hanging in this marriage. Sometimes it takes an objective, outside perspective to shine a light on a truth I didn’t want to see. I wanted simple love-making! He wants just raw sex! How do I let him know without seeming desperate or sex-starved?  

“A few months after my beautiful son Sammy was born, I began to wonder why he hadn’t started laughing or cooing yet. My family and friends tried to calm my fears. They said nothing was wrong. But I knew there was a bigger reason. After series of developmental evaluation and assessment, the diagnosis came…Sammy is Autistic! ’And suddenly, my world began to crumble. How do I deal with this?

“I would really love to do more in God’s house…but I feel trapped in my mindset with negativity and all the drama and politics that comes with it and I get distracted and run away from my God-given purpose… I know God’s calling me to do more…but, what do I do?”

 “When you see me on the outside, I glow and dazzle like a beautiful-stained glass! But on the inside am totally not myself. I feel overwhelmed and empty, Am still waiting patiently on God for his beautiful promises! But sometimes too… I need HELP! I can’t do it alone. What do I do?

 ‘I’ve historically been most attracted to damaged, baggage-carrying men! My past is sour, yet juicy when am entangled with what the future has to offer. But how can I move forward in a relationship where there’s no heat, no fireworks?  Am still asking myself, why I’m attracted to certain men?

 So, if you are reading this and would like to add more significance or meaning to your life as a WOMAN! You are most definitely invited to this workshop! Hosted by www.rccglivingspring.org in Philadelphia, PA.

If you have navigated a major life transition? Battling a personal emotional dilemma? Needing to make an impact by touching someone? Needing a Christian support group that can help you open up and talk deep WOMEN’s talk! Ahhhhh! You REALLY! REALLY!! don’t want to miss this: WOMEN ONLY RETREAT/WORKSHOP/SUMMIT!

This women’s workshop is a delightful journey in self-exploration with an eye towards finding pragmatic steps to life changes.

The workshop includes: facilitated group-coaching sessions; exploration and heart-to-heart discussion to help build up your marriage, make you appreciate your current relationship, clarify priorities in dating, connect to a support group that addresses your special-needs child or family member, create dreams for a balanced life , and help set goals to develop personalized action plan; and best of all…

Be empowered with a Beautiful group of WOMEN who love God deeply and are willing to SINCERELY hold your hands, look into your eyes and tell you…”Sister! You are only a traveler on this life’s journey, your destination is guided and directed only by God! You Can Do It! Let it out! Let it go! Let God In! Because you are a woman…’You are truly Beautiful Inside Out!

SAVE THE DATE!!

April 22 – April 25, 2015. It promises to be an inspiring and empowering week with anointed speakers:

 *** Pastor Marcos Mercado, Praise Philadelphia 103.9 Radio host of Marriage Beyond the Vows.

***Ministering: Pastor (Dr.) Esther Obasi-Ike (RCCG Solution Center, Kenya, Africa),

***Rev. Sade Fasedemi (Waterfalls Ministries, South Africa).

 ***Registration can be completed at http://rccglivingspring.org/total-woman-conference/

 ***Early Bird Registration is $120, which ends March 27, 2015.

***Regular Registration is $150, from March 28 to April 21, 2015.

***Full Time Student Early Bird Registration is $50, which ends March 19, 2015.

 

Yours in HOPE…

Yinka Lawrence ( Workshop Moderator for Beautiful Wife/Woman )

To Be Continued…

 

When “Sexual Addiction” becomes a choice in our life: Should we continue to Love it or List it?

/ Yinka (Anthonia) Gansallo-Lawrence / 20 Comments

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What is that personal sexual uncontrollable craving you are dealing with? Yearning? Urges? Weakness? Itch? Or Impulse? Are we aware of the burden of the price label that comes with it? Especially amongst us, the pew lovers (Christians) who are still struggling with acceptance, rejection and reaching out for help! Aha, Do I have someone’s attention? Any palpitating heartbeat, racing and galloping like an un-tamed horse running wild?…’Let’s talk about it.

Angela and Bill have been married for 5 years. They truly love each other. And they deeply love God. One day, a visit to the fertility clinic to evaluate Bill’s sperm count due to the couple’s inability to have children has done more than ignite their passion. Bill, on several occasion has to deal with sitting in a room plastered with different pictures of naked women posing and sexually touching each other, looking excited and ready to devour him! This is the stage-up enticement room – inside the clinic. Not in the comfort of his house or at the gentlemen’s club he’s often heard his colleagues discussed and has vouched never to visit. He’s supposed to look through the porn magazine thrown carelessly on the chair, or at the picture of an overrated gigantic re-constructed set of breasts, get excited and be aroused, masturbate and then jerk off into a tiny specimen cup the nurse gave him. Even the cup has his name boldly written on it, only thing missing: picture of his wife and a “jerk off” guideline. Intellectually, he’d figured it out somehow.

5 years after, the family is complete with a lovely set of twins. But the underlying factor of provoked sexuality is now a huge challenge in their lives. Bill is now a proud father, and holds a degree in addiction to pornography/masturbation! On the other side, Angela is a loving mother who’s hooked on assorted sex toys that comes in different colours and shapes. And of course, they both still love the Lord, well literally and also dealing with their individual addiction alone. Confused and confined. Aware of their pain towards each other, and not able to discuss it either. Until now…

So, is masturbation inherently sinful? But what about those who are married? Or single? Is it okay to self-stimulate to orgasm? Since our bodies, and thus our sexuality, no longer belongs to us alone, but also to our spouse (1 Corinthians 7:3-5), masturbation by those who are married is not as simple a question as it is for singles. In general it is our spouse’s “duty” to deal with all of our sexual needs and desires. This does not mean that masturbation is sinful for a married man or woman, but it does somewhat limit its proper use.

Then if masturbation is not inherently sinful, there must be situations in marriage where it is allowed and situations when certain conditions approves it, even if we are not in a relationship. In some situations it is the only wise choice for some individuals. Right? Then what about pornography!!!…that’s a different topic for another day! (disgruntled sign!)

Masturbation reduces our desire for our spouse, or the ability to be sexual when we want to be, we also need to understand that things change: changes in work stress, busyness, relationship can result in an increase in a person’s sex drive. Also, women’s sex drives often increases in their thirties and/or forties. Sexual refusal, dissimilar sex drives. Illness and separation. What was right or necessary at one point in a marriage may no longer be either right or necessary unless there is open communication about sexual wants and needs, and about any masturbation going on, maybe you are even masturbating when your spouse would like to have more sex with you!

Do people engage in masturbation for emotional reasons and self-esteem issues than for physical needs? Are we dependent on it? Enslaved? Fixated or Hooked on? Whatever way we want to address this, still all boils down to the same issue of addiction. It is our habit of ability that’s considered injurious, mind-blowing and character disposition. It is a problem covered with limited pleasure!

Whatever started this? How did we get here? Why do we want to stop? Why do we keep going back to it? Psychologically, what’s the impact of it to our personal life? Are we hurting someone through our selfish desire or damaging our own conscience? Is it a dark place? Is it okay to be subjected to our own pleasure? Do we need to stop? Are we ready to stop and get over it? Who to do? …… To be continued!

Yours in HOPE, as I share one of my favorite songs below,

Yinka.