Last weekend marked my 25th wedding anniversary, which was celebrated in a very unique way. Having encountered series of eye opening revelation about life’s tricky games, this was indeed a perfect time to intimately engage the kids, dive into their minds and teach them how to use wisdom as the ability to learn from change.
As expected, my deep conversation about life, hope and gratitude instantly gave me the icky look from my three very outspoken generation-Z kids, which made it clear that it was indeed going to be an interesting but mediative evening of talk therapy onboard our dinner boat cruise.
As we waited patiently for our seafood combination to be served, I was pleasantly diverted by the beautiful catchy vibes of the sound track ‘We don’t talk about Bruno’ from the movie Encantoplaying in the background.
Ah, I bet the kids were relieved and saved by the bell, because they quickly changed the topic once they heard the tunes, and obviously glad to hear the song finally take over mom’s boring talk, (probably also pleased I will finally shut up and stop making this fun evening anything more like my psychology therapeutic clinic).
Thereafter, I began to notice pure display of bliss and bewilderment fill up their faces, bodies moving to the rhythm as their individual point-of-view and opinion surrounding the very controversial movie Encanto began.
Still, my husband and I made it clear to them that the real lesson behind the movie was significantly addressing the pain of Intergenerational trauma in the family, revealing mental health challenges and acknowledging that, spiritually it can be deeper than they can ever imagine.
Here we go… ‘sail with us as I take you into the storylineof ENCANTO. . .
“Encanto is an American animated musical fantasy comedy film produced by Walt Disney Animation Studios. It was released on November 24, 2021 in the United States, took place in the mountains of Colombia and focuses on the Madrigals, a multigenerational family whose members were each granted magical gifts, with the exception of one, Mirabel.
In Encanto, Mirabel’s insistence on seeking out Bruno and talking about the cracks in the family eventually cause the rest of the Madrigals to examine their own issues. This enables them to deal with the impact of intergenerational trauma and move forward as a happier, more accepting, and more functional family system.
Encanto features original songs written by Lin-Manuel Miranda, whose soundtrack received widespread acclaim and topped the US Billboard 200 in 2022. A massive critical success (earning the Golden Globe for Best Animated Feature among other accolades), the film went on to become the highest-grossing animated feature of 2021.
So, there is really a lot to reflect on, learn from and love about Encanto, starting from its gorgeous animation, appealing characters, and engaging musical story (best part for my kids) but then, the theme also exposes something many of us today will find profoundly relatable and disturbing, which is:
Not talking about the Origin and Pain of Intergenerational Trauma within the family!
What isIntergenerational trauma?
This is when the effects of trauma are passed down from one generation to the next. It is also referred to as transgenerational trauma or multigenerational trauma.
Every family today must have encountered or still in denial of the pain of unspoken intergenerational trauma in their family as related to the movie, or coping with the aftermath of the deeds.
When the pain and confusion of intergenerational post traumatic events are not properly taken care of, it continues to harbor and disorient the mental well-being of the naïve generation in waiting.
When human consciences are so deeply rooted in secrets so scandalous and dangerous, it births new grounds for regrets, envy and hatred towards each other, within the same family.
Will anyone be bold enough to crush or cancel those generational carry-over curses and burdens that have been circulating within the family? Are we still nursing and sweeping those hideous and detrimental dirt from those before us, under the rug? To keep face, fame or family name?
For how long will we fold our hands and watch in reckless abandonment as our own seeds gasp in bewilderment of how crazy things were then, or laugh at our ignorance because they have chosen to be brave, and chosen the path that prevails towards the light, or even (God forbid) fall through the cracks… all because the pain of intergenerational trauma was never addressed in their family?
Are you following me?
When something happens to one person in the family system it can affect the whole system when not resolved.It can also reveal family patterns of behavior and repeated dynamics across generations that help contextualize how one set has impacted the next. Positively or negatively.
And because it is almost forbidden, it is usually never discussed. It gets hushed as the trauma from unspoken turbulence gets carried on with heavy hearts full of biases, hatred and anger.
We should talk about it to get help, closure or at least deal with it now, so the generation we are raising and thereafter are not burdened by the errs or sins of any past or burdened with…
(1) Self-blame & Depression (2) Denial & Loneliness (3) Attacking Others and seeking attention/affection (4) Withdrawal in their own time and then life-long feeling of insecurity.
Just like in the movie Encanto and our daily lives, some are still dealing with very controversial, diabolic or difficult family members far or near, without really understanding the genesis of the turbulence.
Are we courageous enough like Mirabel in the movie, who insisted on seeking out Bruno and talking about the cracks in the family, which eventually causes the rest of the Madrigals (especially The Matriarch) to examine their own consciences, issues, deal with the impact of intergenerational trauma and move forward as a happier, more accepting, and more functional family system?
Or are you like Abuela (their grandmother) who focuses on the past hurt and miracle that kept her and the triplets alive, who believes that a certain ‘magic’ arose from experiencing deep pain, a pain so deep that it’s impacted each member of the Madrigal clan, even if they don’t know exactly how or why?
Move closerand hear me out…
Accepting deep sorrowful carry over indeed is trauma. And no matter how sweet or tender that person is or was, allowing the rest of the family to carry on their pain is toxic, dangerous and unacceptable.
Are we comfortable in our truth? Or still in denial of what could have been?
Today, in marriages or relationships, we see this same trauma still lurking in the background making our own multigenerational story the perfect lens through which understanding and exploring leftovers or carry overs of intergenerational trauma seem acceptable.
What is it? how can people cope with it? Why is it important to seek help, step out of that circular-curse in order to move forward into greatness?
If you are reading this today, and have ever wondered, ‘why the cracks in my life or my family? Why the cracks in my relationships? can I relate to the apparent unexplained challenges I see in my family-line? Can I be excused of partaking in the trauma-party witnessed in my family? Indeed, are there still many rivers that flow into the reservoir of trauma that I need to be aware of?
Even if an individual isn’t aware of the roots of the intergenerational trauma they’re experiencing, bringing about change can happen by reframing and refocusing events and responses that an individual can control.
So, as I celebrate my 25th year of this edifying institution called marriage with my ‘ForeverDude, I pray for more Godly insight to be courageous in dissecting and discussing filling-up strategies for any situation that comes our way… praying for divine intervention regarding other relationships out there that require super connection and amendment from God. Praying that the generation after us will look back with sound minds while maintaining a Godly foundation, a coherent narrative that encompasses the whole functional family system, at least as much as possible.
And YES! it is okay to talk about Bruno 🙂
Yours in HOPE & HEALING as I share a video clip from Encanto’s ‘We don’t talk about Bruno’
Yinka – TLLP Licensed Child and Family Psychologist, Michigan Endorsed Infant Mental Health Therapist, Certified ABA Specialist & Certified Early Childhood Educator/Policy Advocate.
Connecting with “The Total Woman Movement” – A Refuge of Comfort in Brokenness.
I once attended a sorority party about 2000 miles away from my college in 1992. Our Destination: University of Calabar! Excitement mode activated! Trust me, I had carefully packed away my popular orange halter-neck dress, with matching brown lace up mules, and my hairstyle? Aha! I’d travelled all the way to Onne villa (outside Port Harcourt) just to patronize the best hair braider in the whole of Rivers state! Phew! Such youthful exuberance! Silly painful vanity!
Halfway through the journey, I began to feel feverish and tired! Oh no! It can’t be happening to me… I was aching all over, ah! It must be M-a-l-a-r-i-a! Oh great! How can this be happening to me? I had so prepared for this day! This wasn’t in the plan!
My temperature was spiking, this fever has no respect for my opinion! In fact, ‘it has come to stay like a desperate housewife! My travelling team was terrified! “How can it be (I was getting helpless).
Anyway, without much ado, as if that fever was a red flag, the party was cancelled due to serious vigilante watch as opposing rival confraternities were in the midst of a serious war. We all spent the night off campus, in a rented hostel.
Six other girls and I shared 2 adjacent rooms. It was a night I will never forget. Amongst being confined inside our rooms, noises of gunshots blasting throughout the night, as we became more frightened we looked to each other for support.
In the middle of nowhere, we became each other’s trusted companion, well, we had no choice but to wait and see what the morning brings forth.
The fear and helplessness we felt that night brought back horrific memories of abusive pasts, stories of years of abusive upbringing, relationships and stolen childhood. Storylines that 7 beautiful, intelligent and oh-so-cool girls have never dared to talk about!
Tales that have been buried for years with those clicking fancy bangles, baggy Pepe jeans, colorful trendy t-shirts, shining pink lip gloss and fake make-believe smiles! oh boy! Did we vent!
“Ah, I was molested by my neighbor when I was 10!’ “I couldn’t tell anyone”
‘I was raped by my uncle when I was 12, I’d wanted to commit suicide”
“ I was never touched, but told constantly that I was ugly and a weakling”
“ My mother’s boyfriend was veryaggressive, he would beat me up and rape me, I couldn’t tell anyone, I was too frightened”
“I was betrayed by a senior in school, she raped me, I can’t trust anyone anymore”
“I watched my father beat up my mother for years” “He told us he loved us, but couldn’t stop hurting us” “His anger was uncontrollable”
“I was raped inside my house”“I was ganged raped and molested at a party on campus”
and on and on and on…we all talked into the early hours of the next day…sleep eluding our consciousness…and we were never the same after that day…forsaking the beauty that material things have managed to conceal, our hearts were on fire!
Party forgotten and ignored, we had released everything no one had ever inquired of us… or the story our culture forbids by acceptance or utterance! we released the dark secrets that harbors lingering pain! ‘the substance of our current day frustrations and rejections…’stories we could not confess to priests during penance…or even during deliverance…’stories that family traditions sweeps under the carpet as generation to come wallow in confusion…’these were stories hidden in misery and denial…but, we had to travel all the way out of town, be confided into a hostel with bullets flying outside our windows….just for those stories to surface. We all had closure after confiding and crying out about it and promised to seek help after. The burden is now shared, not to be chastised or reprimanded, but to begin healing and moving forward.
Ok…that was 24 years ago! I have lived past those stories, but currently still living amongst those who are unable to talk about their story…’Abuse stories or even use their experiences to help raise awareness and help someone going through it.
What’s your Abuse story? Broken dreams or failed relationship? Or what’s that Abusive storyline you played a part in? years ago, that is still lingering and haunting you presently? You know why it’s still trailing after you. But to get closure to it, someone else somewhere right now is going through the same ABUSE you encountered…and the circle is continual UNTIL you Seek help, Campaign against it! Create a platform for awareness!
Let’s celebrate a season of closure and recovery…’like when a heavy burden has just been off-loaded from our shoulders. A sense of commitment and togetherness…like ‘Wow! I am not alone! I thought I was the only one!
Since that day, I have learned to respect and look at those ladies differently with respect and courage, for speaking up about their abusive past. And today, I am hoping our stories could save a life or two! Or is it still happening?
So, if you are reading this, ask yourself…’Does my fragrance (that beautiful perfect-picture image, I carry with me effortlessly) have fragments (stains, shame, sorrow, abusive stories)? Am I really truthful to myself? Am I still hiding behind the veil of pretense and still hoping that one day I would wake up and say “It never happened” – Ah! If you are reading this and have ever encountered any form of abuse (sexual, verbal, physical or emotional) – don’t let it define you. When we talk about some of our stories, it helps someone else going through it or someone who’s gone through it and still struggling with acceptance of the shame of the aftermath.
Our fragrance did have fragments! And it was time to break it open, not to ridicule each other or laugh at each other but a time of total submission, after all, we were all skeptical we’ll make it out of that place, alive. But we did, and now, there’s a story to be told to help uplift someone going through something similar…our Alabaster Jar just got cracked, and the spill is totally healing and comforting, what do you think?
Are we even aware of the comfort in our brokenness? Do we know that refuge from our circumstances and contentment in the midst of mishaps is found in the center of our surrender. Or is it in our brokenness?
If that is true, then why are so many women still living lives with little or no joy based on their past? I’m afraid that we have bought the lies of the enemy (the abuser), allowing him/her to steal our joy. Discouragement, weariness, disillusionment, shattered dreams, and unrealized goals are some of his/her favorite weapons, but the truth is that the enemy can only use what we allow him/her to use, “Our destructive abused past”
It is time for us to reclaim surrendered ground. Do you sometimes think you are fighting the same old battles you have been fighting for so many years? I do. Clinging to familiar pain because we find our identity there. Consumed with our own agenda, while our joy is buried under a mountain of self loathing.
Today, there’s HOPE! There’s a better tomorrow and it can be brighter than the past, the abusive past! Join the movement that comforts the abused today. The Total Woman Movement. Come as you are (BROKEN) learn how to release your inner fragrance (STORY) and let the scents relieve your life’s dents. (HEALING).
Moving Forward With Yinka 