Living in a Tabloid-Infested World (Marriages and Relationships)

/ Yinka (Anthonia) Gansallo-Lawrence

new 5Until you have experienced monsters, mayhem and mind-blowing-murdering-brawl in your marriage, every talk about “happily-ever-after” is just a joke!

But things could get better or worse, Right?

Even if you are celebrating recovery from overcoming hurts, hang-ups and habits from a sour relationship’ every life coach or love expert might as well go-jump-into-the-lagoon-with their “pocket-sized-advice” #Talk-To-The-Hands! (eyes rolling in utter disgust!)

Or when you hear of another marital discord or relationship break up in the news or through your favorite social media news feed, do you panic in forbidden excitement of what could have happened?

Do you crave for more juicy and gory details of how it finally collapsed? ‘Especially when there’ve been so much signs and tales of the doom day in the making?

love me 1Do you get jaw-dropped-drooling when you see those fantastically orchestrated display of fake and formed affection between lovers on social media and get frustrated at their outward display of fronting or intimidated that your own lover isn’t calling you boo or bae or one of those petty silly names and not a show-off superlative lover or romantic like theirs? #InstagramShowOff   #FacebookFakePerception

Aww!! Don’t get mad. Be glad you’re not part of that staged game!

Could someone please remind me that courtship is the fantasy land we lavish on soulfully, blindly and recklessly while marriage is the real thing-lifetime do or die institution? Everyone is admitted based on their initial feelings, initial agenda or initial determination, not fully aware of the consequences and sacrifices to be made. You either pass, fail, repeat or retreat! The choice is yours! Let’s keep it real, marriage is a tough institution! Period!

Seems like we forget in a hurry that every real marriage or relationship has its own appointed season of doomed-roller-coaster turbulence and sometimes requires plenty of space and measurable pace to heal and grow? Even the best marriage counselor text-book coping strategy just won’t cut it? ‘Am talking about the “Oh, no you didn’t”, “That’s It, I can’t take this anymore! Am out of it” moments.  Phew!

love 2mEvery married-couple I know play their amateur scripted part at one point or the other during their life time together. No denial or finger-pointing here. Most of the time either to prove a point to the world…like “Trust me, I got this covered! “Hey, look at us, we are still happily in love or just managing whatever is left! Any witness? Lol!

Okay…Nice… I think we all like that we can wear a mask every now and then to fool the world! But for how long can we pretend and hide behind the facade? Living in oblivion, but behind closed doors facing the reality? Pretending that everything in our marriage is purrfect!! When, it isn’t? Allowing social media to help boost our hidden insecurities and keeping up appearances? Who are we trying to fool? #shoo!

You see; a typical sophisticated glamorous churchgoer looks on with disdain as the winsome “I-love-Jesus” bracelet worshipper next to her raises her hands and sings with reckless abandonment. But secretly, in her heart of hearts, I wonder if she longs for that same marital/relationship freedom? What if she muses before commonsense pushes the wonderings aside? Especially when she’s been played on emotionally or physically? And what’s the church doing about her state of mind? Knowingly and unknowingly?

One of the lessons I learned from my parents, who by the way are still married andlove me 2 together 53 years and counting after several decades of hilarious family drama was T-O-L-E-R-A-N-C-E!

I’ve had to ask my mother..

How do you do it, this woman? ‘Why are you still married, eh? Aha, me I can’t take such nonsense oh! (I would boast in my immature voice of a young adventurer with a deep sigh of disgust!)

“Ah, it gets better” (my mom would respond with a smile, one that reveals a survivor’s un-told story like one of Terry McMillian’s characters).

What Exactly? I would ask with a cynical look. The pattern of sex? Adaptation or Tolerance? Fatal attraction or physical distraction? Which one precisely? Or its okay to be bombarded by fly-by knights? Dis-tasteful attackers?

new 2Of all the hardest lessons I learned in my own marriage was struggling with accepting the fact that…’I can’t fully change my husband! whatever the illusions I’ve created of “the perfect man” was just a fantasy. #AintNoKnightInShinningArmour

I had to learn that only God can touch his heart and change him, in His time, for His purpose, only. No matter how much we get to wish for a little bit of this or a little bit of that in that partner…we still have what we have, the issue at hand is..’. Learning to let it work out for our good while we strive to be all we can for ourselves…living life with a purpose to fulfil destiny by being valuable to self, as the transformation emerges. And leaving the rest to God.  #DiscoverPassionInSelfWorth

No feminist value here, just common sense survival kit from my 23 years of knowing Kevin, my husband. We’d learned to invest in ourselves-together, pursuing our passion together and not consumed by all the faults and flaws from our past, learning to detach from the triggers of the demons along the way…

new 3So, here I am this month celebrating my 19th-year wedding anniversary and content with my life. Oh-My-Word!! It hasn’t been a smooth sailing 19 years of our married-lives together, but an eye-opening, challenging and educative 23 years of unconditional friendship! And we are still learning and growing and dealing with the hurdles together which makes us appreciate our differences.

Years of waiting for conception and several miscarriages and frequent hospital admission and cries of babies and diagnosis and surgery and build up tension and family impact and losses and gains! has made me more appreciative of all the things our past has taught us! Good or bad…at the end of the drama that comes, we are still together!

Today, if you are reading this and either Married, Single, Divorced, Separated or just confused about being alone or with someone, especially with how cruel and intimidating social media has portrayed perfect-picture-marriages that wake up in glamour and go to bed in dirt and depression, flashing make-belief images of their lives together, only for the tabloid to pick up their bitter crumbs….The world is watching!

Let’s ask ourselves, is there a smile on our face that stirs others to want to join in and experience those moments of sudden glory or grief? Is there a scowl on our brows that make others turn away because the “mandated religious life” of keeping up appearance is too hard? Too boring? Too restricted? Do our hidden scars of inadequacy, insecurity and overbearing feelings in our marriages still keep us rooted behind that door? Are you a “prized trophy” in your relationship or is your marriage a staged one?new 1

Today, it’s not about counting wrong doings, hurts, dwelling on missed opportunities of what could have, should have or would have been or even how many times extra marital-cum-extra-curriculum-activities have played their parts in our lives, and how we’ve allowed it.

For me, it’s more of the lessons I am able to take away from it, understanding why and how ‘Big Hurts Have Opened the Door to freedom…

Doors which a lot of married people today are so afraid of going through, so afraid of approaching it. Either to save face, fulfil family/personal obligation, they hang inside, suffer inside, survive inside, pretend inside, and develop multiple personalities, all because of deprivation of self-worth behind that door.

But for how long?

I am hoping someone reading this will dig deep into their main purpose of the union and discover each other, for each other without limits!  I am still here because I believe I am God’s work in progress. What about you? #Goals   #DealWithIt

Issues of Undeveloped Emotions, Unresolved Conflict and Unmet Needs will need to be dealt with and forgotten before bruised hearts and damaged egos become cold hearts, and after a while with no help, turns into hardened hearts that wander in lonesome misery and commitment trap, the new title for the 20th century marriage and a sex crazed culture we live in. Discover what lights up your Fire, either in your marriage or relationship or discover your self worth and light it up! #JustBelieve  #NotImpossible!

PS: I’m wishing a Happy 5th Wedding Anniversary today, to the most amazing and genuine couple ever! (You know who you are, Love you much Y & M!). 

Yours in HOPE as I share Pink’s “Just Like Fire”.

Yinka.

41 thoughts on “Living in a Tabloid-Infested World (Marriages and Relationships)”

  1. This is so interesting and such a good read.
    Trophy marriages are the most dangerous ones in our society today, its more like an arranged marriage wherr the 2 have hidden agenda for each other.
    When a wife has insecurity issues and keeps trailing after her husband’s infidelity, she’s going to be very disappointed at the end because it certainly has to take its course.
    But keeping up appearances in public likevwe see on social media is even worse because at the end of the day, its a front that troubled couples want people to see.
    I usually don’t encourage flashing pictures of myself and my wife on social media because we are very private people with real life issues and wasn’t taught to be flamboyant with my love life on a tabloids, plus, real couples don’t have time to be show casing their sexuality or pretending every thing is perfect.
    Keep it up Yinka, you always write from your heart!
    Nkem M.
    Abuja.

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  2. Hmmm, this is rather deep and complicated.
    Anyone ever experienced growing up in a marriage full of love and togetherness and then getting married to a partner whose up bringing and family values are so different from yours?
    Because tgar relationship was built on love, we try to accept each other differences, but for how long?
    Am married for 15 years to a lady who has to learn from scratch the importance of family value and trust all because she missed out of that while growing up.
    Again, because of love, i had to damn the consequences and fight for us, but nit in all cases. We also learned to keep our life off social media and invented our self worth.
    Nice topic, hopefully people are not frightened to express their opinions.
    Excellent platform #movingforwardwithyinka 👍👍👍

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  4. Very good thoughts here on foolish display on social media. Take a look at the drama going on between Abedin and Weiner sexting issues! Isnt that just what we hear? Or read about? And see.
    All because, well it went viral on Social media!!
    So, apparently if Anthony wasn’t looking so cute with his shirt or pants off social media, would anyone have made a case for him? And now she’s walking away from him, who wouldn’t?
    Anyway, that’s my point of view here, when we get tooo carried away on showing off our spontaneously sexy side on Facebook or whatever link,we should be ready to face the consequences.

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  5. Yinka, this is deeper than you think!
    I think SEX is one of the greatest weapon and issues in marriages today, finances and family factors all comes in after.
    I like the comments from Abiodun below, saying filling void was an issue in her marriage and for me that was one issue i struggled with for years because I just couldn’t find any one reliable to discuss my sexuality and short coming with!
    I believe you, we honestly need to have open forum in our churches and little social networking to discuss real issues and not flash games and fronts on Facebook.

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  7. Hi Yinka Lawrence,
    I enjoyed reading your blogs, always deep and down to heart.
    I personally think almost all of us married people should understand the relevance of mutual understanding and tolerance.
    My 4 teenagers always say am craze and wonders why we just have to sit in a marriage where we have to tolerate somethings about each other.
    Lol. I hope they get to marry and understand that even their Prince charming can err or that cinderalla can snore offensively too, lol. I really do.
    Keep it up, your writing and mind set…exceptionally beautiful!

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  9. Honestly speaking, it takes experience and acceptance to understand the mysterious challenges people encounter in marriages, some stat in love, and the same love keeps them together, while others rush in cos society requires them to do it..
    Enough of the craziness on social media and its effects on marriages, a lot of time we ask for it, we buy it all because we can’t deal with the void in our lives.
    Good one Yinka.
    Just knew you would write on this someday, I admire your courage!

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  10. Oh yeah! Marriage is touch! Lol. But tolerance in marriage should not necessarily be an option for survival. Likewise, i know most of the older generation, our parents and grandparents were more tolerant with their own situation then, things have changed now.
    Majority of these flashy display of weddings we see on social media, where are they today?
    I usually don’t feel comfortable camouflaging what’s not about my marriage, in fact, ive written the best article on my marriage when am at a crossroad with Brian, my husband, and that’s real!
    I do agree with you Yinka, we can’t change the man but can work towards making him change for the better of hus own future, with us, with God’s help.
    Thanks for sharing this, we’ve been waiting for this article since.. Yesterday!!! Lol.
    Happy anniversary, you inspire us always..
    Much love 😍😍😍😍
    IBK
    London

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  11. The truth is sometimes so hard to digest, but you are absolutely right Yinka, too many prized trophy marriages out there, until they both wake up and see the real world or their true identity.
    Well said.
    Sony.
    Lekki Phase 1.
    Lagos.

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  12. Yinka G! Good write up girl!
    I have proudly shared this in the Fed. GIRLS Chat room, and its trending like crazy+!!!
    You tell them Girl! People need to stop flashing their false or formed life on social media!!
    If its for real, why do they all need to announce their happiness for cheap validation!!
    Thanks Girl for starting this topic!!!
    So proud of you.

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  13. I absolutely agree with you Yinka, big hurts do open doors, sometimes for good or for the worse, the choice is ours. But then, how do we tell its for real or not?
    A lot of people like you mentioned enter into this union without thinking about the consequences and tolerances, thinking that all will be perfect for ever, but then something happens and then hell let loose because emotions can’t be controlled.
    What do we do?
    How do you tell a suffering wife that her husband’s infidelity will eventually subside and things will get better? How?
    I have learned that big hurts really opens new doors, for me it did, not because I didn’t know, but because I was living in denial of what wouldn’t be or be if I walked out of it.
    Sorry, my reply is long, but I am so overwhelmed with emotions and glad you could discuss this openly, no pretence, no holding back.

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  16. Well done Yinka. This is well written and thought of.
    The average married couple today still struggles with identity.
    Not knowing their purpose for the union they find themselves days and years after the glamorous beginning.
    Thanks for being real abd breaking it down with your personal experiences.
    God bless you.

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  17. Dear Anthonia.
    Please permit me to share this on my Facebook and website for our upcoming workshop on relationships in Nov?
    Lovely, lovely creative writing and mind you got!
    Kudo!!!

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  18. Sis Yinka!
    You always vome through so genuinely straightforward! I adore you for being expressive and passionate about your journey, thanks for fronting or boasting with staged pictures of pretense!
    Lol@ instagram and fake Factbook perceptions!
    Aint we so tired of seeing those crazy made up ‘ my marriage is perfect display ‘
    Thanks for keeping it real!
    We all have erred but learning and moving forward with whatever we have left worth living for in us!
    Love you!!!

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  19. This is a beautiful article on real challenges we face in marriages and still dealing with.
    Good one Anthonia!
    Happy wedding anniversary!

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